James was out of town on a long-term work assignment when he saw that he had a Facebook message from his wife, Chinasa. It was a private message so he assumed it would be about the couple’s upcoming move or other household business. Instead, Chinasa asked James to attend an information session at Angels Foster Family Network.
He wasn’t completely surprised. The couple had been struggling with infertility but had a strong desire to parent a child. “We would rather raise a child for a day or a week or a month than never at all,” says Chinasa, as the family’s first placement, a toddler they’ve nicknamed “Potato” bustles about. The little girl has been with them for nine months.
When Chinasa first brought up the idea of fostering, James felt both excited and nervous. He knew it was a privilege to help a child who needs loving care. But fostering had always come with a negative stigma. He had seen too many TV dramas where parents were one-dimensional monsters. “I knew loving a child would be easy, but how would it be interacting with the parents?” he wondered. What if the father became confrontational? “I decided to go in with an open mind and he’s been friendly,” James says, adding that Potato’s mother has also been relatively easy to work with.
At first, the birth parents were resistant to the support James and Chinasa offered. “But now they see that we are rooting for them,” Chinasa explains. “They see that we are not there to judge them, and we want them to maintain a strong bond with their daughter.” She smiles, “Most days they see us as allies, but sometimes they see us as adversaries too, but they always know we are on their daughter’s team and that means we are also on their team.”
Through their training at Angels, Chinasa and James learned how to successfully navigate relationships with birth family members of their placements. “When I see Potato kiss and hug the phone when she talks to her mom, it reaffirms that we’re doing the right thing for her. She’s able to maintain her attachment with her mom because she’s safe and bonded with us.”
The couple knows Potato will leave someday. They think about it every day. In some ways, it helps them cherish the time they have together even more. Their local library in South Bay has story time, music, and bubbles, all of which Potato loves. But what the whole family enjoys most is going to the Great Wolf Lodge resort, a family waterpark. Potato spends hours splashing in the children’s play area, giggling uproariously when small buckets of water are spilled on her.
Each day, these two grow more attached to Potato, but say the heartbreak of saying goodbye will be worth enduring because they have made a difference in a child’s life. And she has made a difference in theirs. “The grief I was feeling with infertility was replaced by love,” says Chinasa. To people considering fostering a child, she says, “Your heart will be able to do this too. This love doesn’t end in tragedy. The 11 months we’ve been able to spend with her have been a tremendous gift and that is a win. This will never be a tragedy or a loss for us.”
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