When people consider fostering an infant or toddler, they typically share the same concern: heartbreak over saying goodbye to a child their family has grown attached to. Missy knew this was bound to happen when she and her nine-year-old son Graham signed on to become a resource family with Angels Foster Family Network.
There were plenty of tears when five-year-old “Little R” left Missy’s Scripps Ranch home after six months of living with Missy and Graham. But what made it all worth it for Missy was seeing how Little R thrived and grew. “She really wanted connection and craved friendship,” she explains. “When she gave everyone in her preschool class goodbye cards, they all hugged her, and she said, ‘I felt so loved.’” This is the ultimate reward in serving as a resource family – children who develop secure attachments and feel loved while their parents have time to get their lives on track.
A single mother, Missy decided to foster when she moved to San Diego a few years ago. She had worked as a systems engineer in China Lake, California, but when an opportunity for advancement opened in San Diego, she decided to relocate. Before the move, Missy’s home was always the place where Graham’s friends hung out; she loved the feeling of a full house. “Here, the house felt a little empty. It felt like someone was missing,” Missy explains. So the timing felt right to explore serving as a resource family.
After completing the certification process through Angels, Missy received a phone call with the news that a girl who needed a stable and loving home was at the Polinsky Children’s Center.
Graham greeted Little R at the door with a welcome sign he had made, and he and Little R became fast friends. “She immediately called him ‘brother’ and really looked up to him,” Missy says. He made a video game character that looked like Little R and taught her to play the online game Roblox. The two built forts, did crafts, and had slumber parties where each set up a sleeping bag so they could peek into the hallway from their respective rooms and chat.
Little R enjoyed doing everything Graham did, including riding his bicycle and swimming at the pool. “She didn’t know how to swim, but when she sees someone doing something, she says, ‘I’m going to do that.’” Missy says Little R took swim lessons and is a natural mimic, so she learned quickly.
That’s not to say Little R doesn’t have strong preferences of her own. She loves unicorns and was thrilled when Missy offered to host a unicorn-themed fifth birthday party for her. There were unicorn decorations and cake, and for weeks Little R asked everyone she met if they had a unicorn birthday party, quickly adding that she did. Hosted at a local park, the party guest list included Little R’s mother. “She loves her daughter very much,” Missy says.
Missy says fostering requires a bit more time than she had first imagined – family visits, phone calls, and doctor visits. Some things are easier than she had thought they’d be. “I wondered how I would meet all of these roles as a single mother, but that wasn’t as hard as I thought,” she says, crediting her strong support system of friends, including one who showed her how to care for Little R’s hair. “I’d never styled Black hair and I worried that I wouldn’t do it right, but an old college roommate stepped in and taught me.” Additionally, Angels has a network of resource parents and continuing education to support resource families, including groups that help manage feelings of loss when children reunify with their parents.
Prospective resource families are wise to recognize how hard it will be to say goodbye. Fostering is not for the faint of heart. But fostering is also one of the most rewarding experiences. “Each child is worth it,” says Missy. “They’re going to be in foster care whether or not you’re there, so why not be there?”
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