When a family has fostered 13 children over the course of nine years with Angels Foster Family Network, they’ve learned a few lessons along the way. Every case is different, but Andrew and Sandra have found that there are a few key actions they can take to ensure each experience is most beneficial for the children in their care -- and rewarding for their own family, which includes 13-year-old Ezzy and 10-year-old Neo. Currently, they are fostering two additional young siblings who have been in their home since August.
We sat down with Andrew and Sandra and asked them to share their best advice for new Resource Parents, and those considering fostering. Here are their tips for successful fostering:
It’s a marathon, not a sprint – It’s easy to try to solve every problem right away, but the reality is that it’s important to pace yourself, take the time to assess what problems are a priority and what problems can be addressed over time. You are never in control of the case, only your role, which is to help a child feel safe and loved during a traumatic time. You don’t know how long the case will last or what the next steps will be, so let go of overthinking, which can leave you feeling overwhelmed. Just focus on being a stable presence in the lives of the children, because that is all you can do. People are so passionate and want to feel like their efforts really mattered. Absolutely, they do.
You’ll always want to do more for the children – Resource Parents sometimes feel that they could do so much more good if the children were in their care just a little longer. This may be true, but it’s a distraction from all the good they have already done. Andrew reminds new Resource Parents to focus on the progress the children have already made. The stability that Resource Parents provide is invaluable, whatever the duration of their case.
Use the resources available for your family – Sandra says that when she and Andrew began fostering, they never thought about using respite care to give their family a break to recharge and refocus. When they finally did, they realized it was a great gift. Angels provides free respite care for approved Resource Families, along with onsite childcare services when Sandra and Andrew take classes at the agency headquarters. Additionally, the couple says their church family generously supports them with supplies, babysitting and compassionate listening.
It's OK to experience ambivalence – Andrew notes that while fostering is extremely rewarding, it’s “not all sunshine and rainbows,” and that’s OK. Resource Parents may not always agree with the court’s recommendations. They might not even connect immediately with the children in their care. New resource parents needn’t feel guilty if it takes time to form bonds. “Love is an action, not just a feeling,” Sandra says.
You can have compassion and firm boundaries – When Sandra and Andrew began fostering, they felt compelled to jump through every hoop to accommodate the schedules of the children’s parents and county social workers, but it was sometimes at the expense of their own family.
The child’s parents are often working hard to take the steps they need to reunify with their children, so Resource Families should support them. The key is finding a healthy balance between being supportive and still being able to function like a normal family. It’s so easy to get caught up in all the time demands of being a Resource Family that you stop being able to just enjoy family time and activities. Sandra used to spend hours driving back and forth from visits, and often the parents did not show up. Sometimes she missed her own children’s activities. Now the couple sets clear boundaries regarding how far they can travel, while making their family time and activities a priority. They find this has made a positive impact on all the children in the home, and the adults.
Make a plan for moving forward after reunification -- Resource Families are often given very little notice when the children placed with them are scheduled to reunify with family members. Sandra and Andrew have found that it is helpful to plan what to do after reunification, whether that is to open their home to a new child right away, or take a short break from fostering. It is good to have something to look forward to, especially if the outcome of the case is unexpected. Part of that plan sometimes includes the family celebrating that they participated in a successful reunification. Their family typically plans a fun activity, such as a family trip, at the conclusion of a case.
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